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Saturday, August 11, 2012

An Embarrassing Moments Smackdown!

We interrupt this regularly scheduled HouseTalkN post with a personal post. If you are easily offended, please check back tomorrow for a lovely tablescape post, a burlap wreath or a chevron painting tip.


When I read Nucking Futs Mama's post boasting "Yet Another Reason I Am Queen Of Embarrassing Moments" post, I felt challenged.


I AM THE QUEEN of embarrassing moments, thank you very much. Nucking Futs Mama responded to my correction with "Bring it on!" Them's fightin' words around these parts.



I asked my peeps what they thought a few of my shining moments were. They responded quickly and easily with 1,347 examples. Ahem...


Here is a sampling.


1. While trying to follow good blogger etiquette, I thanked someone for popping by my place...but typed "Thank you for pooping by my place!"


2. During a baseball game, I was up, down, up, down, cheering for my son who was pitching. When I heaved myself into my chair for the 83rd time with great dramatics, the chair gave way sending my legs into the air, skirt flying over my head. In case someone in China didn't see the fiasco, I let out a yelp to further call attention to my fanny in the air.


3. While on a run down a favorite fancy schmancy street, I noticed "The ladies who lunch" on their brisk morning walk. I wanted to impress them with a cheery greeting. As I got their attention with a "Morning, y'all!" my dog took flight after a squirrel. I was being dragged, face down in the mud before I could further wow them. Shouting "motherfuckshitmonkey" did not seem to help my cause.


4. The middle school girls at the school where I teach had just completed their community internships when I ran into one of their fathers. During the conversation, he shared what a wonderful note he had gotten that morning from (we will call her) Susan, thanking him. Said man is married to a woman named Susan, so I assumed he meant the note was from his wife. I gave him the up and down eyebrows and said "you must have been a very good boy!" His look of horror alerted me to the fact that he was referring to a student thanking him for hosting an internship.


5. During church, our pastor was pointing out that our society has come a long way in supporting young mothers out of wedlock. He pointed out that in the old days, when women became pregnant out of wedlock, they were stoned. I immediately pictured women in robes smoking whacky weed. No one else apparently made this mental leap because when I came up for air from my uncontrollable giggling and inappropriate snorting, I was met with much eye rolling and head shaking.


6. I get in a zone when I am at the computer and often forget that others can still see and hear me. I was in such a zone one evening when I...well, I tooted. I didn't even pause, because of the "others cannot see or hear me" myth. When I heard my husband exclaim "KERRY!" I responded "get over it" before remembering that our friend, Mike was also in the kitchen with my husband.


7. I love to take my kiddos to our local pool in the summer. I find it very relaxing to float around the lazy river on a tube. The only rough patch comes when I try to free myself from the tube. One particular day, I was battling the tube, the "waterfall", and a toddler. I heard from the ledge above me, "Hello, Mrs. Rossow!" It was a family from my school- people I would sit across from in a parent teacher conference. There was, at that exact moment, an unfortunate swimsuit malfunction, an overturned tube and a screaming toddler clinging to me...all of me.


8. My son's class was supposed to be having a bonfire last week and the room mother's were firing emails back and forth, deciding if rainy weather conditions should cancel the bonfire. I was in my own classroom at the time and responded with a quick, one word response, "cancel". A fellow room mother and friend sent me a note that read "Well, aren't you the eloquent writer." I didn't realize that I was responding to all (including my son's teacher) when I sent a note signed "One Classy Biaaatch".


9. I once walked across campus with my skirt caught in my backpack...tighty whities for all to see.


10. My son was doing a "How to make chocolate chip cookies" project for school and when we started the project at 8pm the night before it was due, I realized we had no chocolate chips. I zipped to the grocery and being a multitasker, I thought I would also pick up some whiskey for the weekend company that was coming. A man I recognized from our school happened to be in line in front of me. I tried my hand at small talk-  "I can't very well do a school project without supplies, huh?" He took one look at the whiskey, gave me a curt head nod and scurried away. I've noticed him at various school functions regarding me with a suspicious eye. 


11. We removed all baby monitors from our home after an unfortunate incident over Christmas holiday. My mother and sisters were visiting to care for my 82 toddlers while my mister and I attended a holiday party. A good time was had by all, drinks flowed, and we...err...rekindled our love. The monitor blared it for all to hear.


Oh, wait. There was also that "Naked At The YMCA" incident. And the "Breastfeeding" mishap. 


So...with these and many other moments, I think that I have earned the crown of "Queen of Embarrassing Moments!"

The Queen
What say you, Nucking Futs Mama?

80 comments:

  1. Seriously - I'm CRYING with laughter - this has to take the cake, Nucking Futs Mama!!

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  2. Giggle, giggle, snort, cackle! I am bowing before you & willing to co-share the title! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these stories, probably because I can so easily relate! I have another post tomorrow recalling an incident from college that involved a pantyliner, a hot guy & a crowd full of people. It's so reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who gets myself into awkward situations on a daily basis...... ;-)

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  3. Oh....this has MADE my morning! TOOOOOOOO funny! I have been in embarrassing situations but nothing like these:):) Thanks for sharing! XO, Pinky

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  4. Did someone say, "pass the chips?" Cracking up! I love it!

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  5. Oh my gosh! I am still laughing!! These are soo funny! Mainly bc I can relate on soo many levels ;)

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  6. You crack me up!!! I loved them all :)

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  7. Okay! It's just NOT NICE to make someone laugh so hard they start coughing till they vomit. Oh, yeah! It HAPPENED. And lucky for YOU, Missy Queen, I made it to the john! Seriously - you are a NUT, and I am bookmarking your blog IMMEDIATELY. BWAHAHAHAHA!

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  8. Hahahahahahahahaha. Found you on the finding the funny link up. Once upon a time I might have been able to give you a run for your money in the embarrassing stakes.

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  9. Well, stay tuned, y'all. I am working up courage to share my "naked at the YMCA" story next week.

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  10. This made me laugh out loud over & over!!!! The farting one was hilarious. Actively, all of them were! So glad you are playing along with us over at #findingthefunny!

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  11. These are great. My favorite was your 'tooting' with your husband's friend in the kitchen. and one classy biaaatch. Great! Found you at Anna and Kelley's linkup.

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  12. LOVE these! And apparently so did everyone else. You were one of (THE!) most clicked link at last week's party! We're featuring you tomorrow - see you then!
    Anna

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  13. Totally laughing out loud! Thanks for the humor.

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  14. Oh. My. GAW. This is hilarious! I have walked home to the sound of lots of car honking, thinking, "Damn, I must look good today!" only to realize that my skirt was tucked into my granny panties. I don't wear skirts anymore. True story. Scarred for life.

    LOVE the uh, well, TOOT story!

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    Replies
    1. Love the "accidental" granny panty showoff! I now wear leggings under all skirts...it's a hot look.

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  15. Yup, you totally win!!! I've tripped over my own trousers and fell flat on my face in front of coworkers. More than once.

    Thank you for the laugh!

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    Replies
    1. Blame your co-workers. Jump up and shout "WHY DID YOU PUSH ME, MF'er???"

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  16. I think you win! These are so hilarious.

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  17. Hahaha!!!! Oh you definitely win! I particularly love the chocolate chip story...still laughing about that one :)

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    Replies
    1. Whenever we see him, he gives a slight head shake and sympathetic look to my poor children.

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  18. You win! You are my long-lost twin though. i have had some doozies that remind me of your "tighty-whities" episode. I'm sorry to tell you though that you sound like you have an incurable case of the same version I have. (-:

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  19. there's always one eh ?
    and its you !!!!!! nice post ;-))

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  20. You are the Queen! No way to dispute it after reading that (so hysterical) list. The baby monitor takes the cake for the most embarrassing for SURE!

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    Replies
    1. My poor mother must have been horrified.
      Oops.
      "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

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  21. Hilarious! I now have proof that I'm not the 'Most Embarrassing Mom' to show my daughter!

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  22. HA! I especially loved No. 6...not because I've done something like that before. Nope. Never. Not me...

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  23. Number 2 and 11 have most definitely happened to me - unfortunately...versions of the rest of yours have as well. Number 5 and 6 - priceless - clearly we think alike. Thanks for the giggles!

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  24. Hhahahhaahhah the monitor one is crazy!

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  25. Hil. AR. rious! Love #5. We'd all want to have kids out of wedlock!

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    Replies
    1. Oh, Daisy. My inappropriate laughter gets me in so much trouble.

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  26. So now I know the YMCA incident wasn't just a fluke. You are "One Classy Biaaatch" all of the time. ;) ELlen

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  27. Oh my god you've totally inspired me. I'm the black sheep of the family. Even my family of husband and child.

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  28. BAHHHH HAAA!! NOT laughing at you, laughing (out loud) with you! I feel your pain sister, if not the queen, I am DEFINITELY a princess of embarrassing moments myself.

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  29. The eyebrow wagging "You must have been a really good boy!" had me snarf my seltzer. Ouch!

    And regarding the baby monitor -- What's more embarrassing: Rekindling with an audience, or choosing NOT to turn down the volume or unplug the darn thing?

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  30. Kristin! For the record, I did not choose to not turn off the monitor. I'd had a few drinks and did not even think of it until my sister asked me the next morning "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

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  31. Dressed to Go Out, back in the days of being a hottie single gal (hot in my own mind, at least), I went off down the street, all sashaying and feeling good. Noticed that people were looking at me and smiling; I figured "dang, I must look GOOD!" Went into a liquor store to buy a bottle of wine for the party I was going to, sashayed into the back to get a cold bottle, past all the customers, who were, again, smiling and giving me the eye...paid for the bottle, back out onto the street, and finally a woman--a stranger--pulled me aside and said, 'er...you have something attached to you." Somehow, in dressing myself (in the days I lived alone), I'd managed to pull on my jeans without noticing that one of my "no one should see it" bras--big, white, not at all sexy--had hooked itself to the back of the waistband, and was floating along behind me like a double spinnaker. Needless to say, I have never, ever gone out since without doing a full revolve in front of the mirror to make sure that I'm without attachments.

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    1. Deborah, my soul sister! That is hilarious!
      Thanks for popping by- have a fantastic weekend!

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  32. Replies
    1. Ha! My life is a freaking comedy!
      Thanks!

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  33. What about the time I jumped (stark nude) into my husband's home office and did a naked "TA DA!" and quickly realized that one of his friends was visiting and in the room with him? The worst part was that after I shrieked in horror and ran back to the bathroom where I'd just gotten out of a hot bath, I heard the client say in a small bewildered voice, "thank you?"

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    Replies
    1. That is one of my favorite stories EVER!

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    2. It's stories like this one that remind those of us who are not spontaneous, just why we like to stay not spontaneous! I never do things like this and there is a 100% guarantee that the ONE TIME I decided to do this, the situation would be identical. I think my favorite part is the TA DA!

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  34. I am SOOOO happy I found you. You have made me laugh harder this morning than I have in months. All Hail The Queen:)

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    Replies
    1. I'm always available to make an arse of myself for you!
      Thanks, Dee!

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  35. Care if I POOP over & say hello? Have you read 'Confessions of a Semi-Domesticated Mama'? Way funny & embarrassing. You 2 seriously must be sisters. She embarrasses herself with nudity & bodily fluids on a regular basis. Em-barr-ass (if you say it southern style, you know where that word came from: "him bare ass" Em-barr-ass.
    Em

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  36. That is funny! Embarrassing bodily fluids make my world go around!
    Thank you, Em!

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  37. You ARE the Queen, Kerry --- and I can hardly wait for your next escapade!!! You do them with such grace. lol!

    xoxo laurie

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Laurie! I am counting on Jesus having a sense of humor!

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  38. Oh my goodness, so funny! I had to keep my laughter quiet, my husband is sleeping :)

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    1. I woke my mister up laughing last night! He was not amused!
      Thanks for giggling with me!

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  39. Oh thank you! Now I feel better about myself <3 I am just incredibly socially awkward. Nothing hugely embarrassing because mainly I just don't put myself out there. But it sounds fun. All of it :D

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    1. This is my life, today and everyday!
      Thanks, Micki!

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  40. #6 was my favorite. You will always be one classy biatch in my eyes. The dreaded reply all gets you every time, doesn't it????? And the baby monitors...... wow!

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    1. Damn baby monitors! I got in trouble more than once with the dreaded "reply all"...
      Thank you!

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  41. Thank you! You made my morning! I look forward to reading your blog and today's entry was funnier than most. Why is it that some of us just seem to live these embarrassing experiences more than others. There are days when I think it would be better not to show my face around town so it is nice to know I am not the only one. My husband is relieved too.

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    1. Oh, Kathy! My husband lives in fear of these moments! They just keep coming!
      Thank you for coming by my place!

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  42. This is so freaking funny, Kerry! I also loved reading the comments too about other's embarrassing moments. Hey, I shared your "69" story the other day with my college girl friends. You make my life more interesting.

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    1. HA! I need you to rub off some of your class and dignity on me, Miss Kitty!

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  43. I have said a lot of things I shouldn't have, and none of them ever ended with monkey. They will now, it just sounds better.

    ~Bliss~

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    1. I don't know how or when, but "monkey" shows up at the end of all my rants!
      Give it a go...report back.

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  44. HiYa Kerry!!!!

    Whatcha trying to do, give me a heart attack!!!!! I was laughing so hard that my chest started to hurt. You're too funny!!!

    I have one for you...How about when I was making out with my Mister(Newly married) and my 6 yr old son came in and wanted to join in on the wrestling match!! Right away we put a lock on our door!!! My son thought I was losing the match because his step-dad had me pinned down.

    How many times have you worn a piece of clothing inside out?

    Keep it coming Kerry!!
    Have a great week!!

    Pam
    PamLuvsPink

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  45. Number four wins for me! I mean, loses?

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    Replies
    1. Oh, Ninja one! The look of horror on his face! Thanks for popping by!

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  46. Those ARE some doozies,especially the baby monitor. Your mom must be a class act because mine would have banged on the door and yelled something like, "The baby monitor is still on, idiots!" Unfortunately, I have a few that are right up there with you ladies. Maybe I could be a princess?

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    1. My mom is a classy one but I am still shocked that my sister didn't give a holla!
      Thanks, Stephanie.

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  47. Um, yeah... you totally win. hahahaha

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  48. Why would anyone that reads this need to do to the gym??? I think I laughed so hard that my cardio work here is done!!!

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    1. What is this thing you speak of "the gym"??

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