When I read Nucking Futs Mama's post boasting "Yet Another Reason I Am Queen Of Embarrassing Moments" post, I felt challenged.
I AM THE QUEEN of embarrassing moments, thank you very much. Nucking Futs Mama responded to my correction with "Bring it on!" Them's fightin' words around these parts.
I asked my peeps what they thought a few of my shining moments were. They responded quickly and easily with 1,347 examples. Ahem...
Here is a sampling.
1. While trying to follow good blogger etiquette, I thanked someone for popping by my place...but typed "Thank you for pooping by my place!"
2. During a baseball game, I was up, down, up, down, cheering for my son who was pitching. When I heaved myself into my chair for the 83rd time with great dramatics, the chair gave way sending my legs into the air, skirt flying over my head. In case someone in China didn't see the fiasco, I let out a yelp to further call attention to my fanny in the air.
3. While on a run down a favorite fancy schmancy street, I noticed "The ladies who lunch" on their brisk morning walk. I wanted to impress them with a cheery greeting. As I got their attention with a "Morning, y'all!" my dog took flight after a squirrel. I was being dragged, face down in the mud before I could further wow them. Shouting "motherfuckshitmonkey" did not seem to help my cause.
4. The middle school girls at the school where I teach had just completed their community internships when I ran into one of their fathers. During the conversation, he shared what a wonderful note he had gotten that morning from (we will call her) Susan, thanking him. Said man is married to a woman named Susan, so I assumed he meant the note was from his wife. I gave him the up and down eyebrows and said "you must have been a very good boy!" His look of horror alerted me to the fact that he was referring to a student thanking him for hosting an internship.
5. During church, our pastor was pointing out that our society has come a long way in supporting young mothers out of wedlock. He pointed out that in the old days, when women became pregnant out of wedlock, they were stoned. I immediately pictured women in robes smoking whacky weed. No one else apparently made this mental leap because when I came up for air from my uncontrollable giggling and inappropriate snorting, I was met with much eye rolling and head shaking.
6. I get in a zone when I am at the computer and often forget that others can still see and hear me. I was in such a zone one evening when I...well, I tooted. I didn't even pause, because of the "others cannot see or hear me" myth. When I heard my husband exclaim "KERRY!" I responded "get over it" before remembering that our friend, Mike was also in the kitchen with my husband.
7. I love to take my kiddos to our local pool in the summer. I find it very relaxing to float around the lazy river on a tube. The only rough patch comes when I try to free myself from the tube. One particular day, I was battling the tube, the "waterfall", and a toddler. I heard from the ledge above me, "Hello, Mrs. Rossow!" It was a family from my school- people I would sit across from in a parent teacher conference. There was, at that exact moment, an unfortunate swimsuit malfunction, an overturned tube and a screaming toddler clinging to me...all of me.
8. My son's class was supposed to be having a bonfire last week and the room mother's were firing emails back and forth, deciding if rainy weather conditions should cancel the bonfire. I was in my own classroom at the time and responded with a quick, one word response, "cancel". A fellow room mother and friend sent me a note that read "Well, aren't you the eloquent writer." I didn't realize that I was responding to all (including my son's teacher) when I sent a note signed "One Classy Biaaatch".
9. I once walked across campus with my skirt caught in my backpack...tighty whities for all to see.
10. My son was doing a "How to make chocolate chip cookies" project for school and when we started the project at 8pm the night before it was due, I realized we had no chocolate chips. I zipped to the grocery and being a multitasker, I thought I would also pick up some whiskey for the weekend company that was coming. A man I recognized from our school happened to be in line in front of me. I tried my hand at small talk- "I can't very well do a school project without supplies, huh?" He took one look at the whiskey, gave me a curt head nod and scurried away. I've noticed him at various school functions regarding me with a suspicious eye.
11. We removed all baby monitors from our home after an unfortunate incident over Christmas holiday. My mother and sisters were visiting to care for my 82 toddlers while my mister and I attended a holiday party. A good time was had by all, drinks flowed, and we...err...rekindled our love. The monitor blared it for all to hear.
Oh, wait. There was also that "Naked At The YMCA" incident. And the "Breastfeeding" mishap.
So...with these and many other moments, I think that I have earned the crown of "Queen of Embarrassing Moments!"