House TalkN is a fun lookiloo at houses, houses, houses. It will answer pressing questions like, "When folks build a McMansion on a small lot, what are they compensating for?" or "Was the real estate agent drunk when they staged this house?" or "Why don't the Smiths' ever leave their drapes open when I am on a harmless walk-by?"

Monday, February 6, 2012

Naked At The YMCA

I have noticed some beautiful Valentine posts lately- Valentine decor, crafts, cards and love letters to sweeties.
Not one to be outdone, I thought I would share an ode to my mister. 
There are those moments in a marriage when you take that snapshot in your mind...the "This is why I love him" moments.

We had taken our four little darlings to the YMCA for some family basketball and a quick swim.
As we were winding up our nightly shenanigans visit, my mister offered, "Why don't I take the kids home and you stay here to relax in the women's hot tub?" 
By the time he uttered "hot tub" I was already sprinting toward the "Women Only" sign. 
In my rush I forgot that I had (literally) left my mister holding the bag. The bag with all of our wet suits. The bag with MY suit. The suit with a hawt matching skirt. The skirt that I swore I would never own.
I spent the next 37 seconds having a mental argument with myself. Here is a sampling of the thoughts that were flying through my head.
-It's almost closing time...I bet everyone else is gone already. 
-I.cannot.get.in.there.naked
-Just do it, stop being a chicken! 
-God is smiting me for making fun of the casually naked folks that stand around the locker room talking/drying hair/applying make-up/doing jumping jacks -while naked- as if doing these things NAKED is totally normal. Would you do these things while naked in front of house guests or in any other setting? 
-Look what has happened to me! I am afraid to get naked all by my d**n self in a women's locker room hot tub. 
I finally threw caution to the wind, stripped down and climbed into the hot tub.
A full 6 seconds passed before I heard the dreaded squeak of the door. 
I quickly positioned myself so that the intruder would not be able to see my...er, situation.
Big mistake.
As Ms. Stepford bounced into the hot tub, in full make-up, coiffed hair and her very appropriate tankini, she was unprepared for what awaited her. 
Her smile quickly faded as we both stared at the wall for answers. 
She lasted in the hot tub for 9 seconds. 
She didn't even warn the young swimmer that she knocked over on her way out. 
That's right. 
Next up- a college hard body swimmer type.
She also met the sneak attack. 
Not having the sophistication of Ms. Stepford to look away, Ms. Hard Body actually gawked. 
I could see that this was going to be a standoff. She was either too competitive to bolt or she was frozen with fear. 
I contemplated an attempt at conversation. What would I say? "Just you wait, this will happen to your body, too?" I knew that "You want a piece of this?" could be misconstrued. 
It was the creak of the door that put me over the edge...sent me into naked freak out land.
I couldn't take it anymore. I panicked. I bolted. 
As I was leaping over Ms. Hard Body Gawker, I assured myself that it couldn't get any worse.
Wrong.
The newest addition to my hell was a woman with a headscarf. The very picture of modesty had entered the YMCA locker room precisely in time to see a naked American woman flying through the air.  
It took another 13 seconds to get dressed and perform the run of shame to the lobby.
I was shocked to see that my family had just reached the lobby. 
Had all of that just happened in such a short amount of time? 
Was I in the Twilight Zone? 
Here is the part about why I love my husband. Besides the part about family YMCA nights, and besides the part about taking the kids home. 


My mister took one look at me and knew that this was no time for silly questions. He spoke the sweetest, most romantic words ever.
"Kids, run for the van."



(Click here for more shining moments of "Queen of Embarrassing Moments"!)

*Want to see my live reading of the naked horrors? CLICK HERE!

104 comments:

  1. Hahahaaa, I was laughing the whole time! Great post and sorry ?!? LOL! Have a great day~!

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  2. Oh my gosh! As I was reading I said to myself 'Oh no, she did not-- she she oh yes she did!!'

    Go you!! And this is why I do not go naked in public hot tubs haha!!!

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    1. Where were you when I needed a voice of reason!?

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  3. OMG Kerry, THAT is so awesome and why I like you more and more all the time. Dying laughing over here! Thanks for sharing.

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    1. CANDICE! I might have to move to Canada over this one.

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  4. I laughed, I cried, I'm mortified, but most of all, I wish I was there. You risk taker you!

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  5. Even at my most fit, I wouldn't have gotten into a hot tub naked. Even if you only lasted 90 seconds, or so, you are a braver, more daring woman than I've ever been!

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  6. I am literally laughing at my computer screen as I read this. Oh Kerry...you would :) THIS is why I love being a part of the Rossows! Miss you! -Jenna

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  7. Okay. Not amused. OH! I AM amused (in hysterics, actually) by your post! I'm NOT amused that I FORGOT to go pee BEFORE I checked out your blog! Lady, I drink COFFEE - lots of it - just before I check out blogs! And YOU are a disaster waiting to happen. Well, not YOU. My soon-to-explode bladder. So, note to self: Pee first. Read HouseTalkN AFTERWARDS! (You're a delightful, wonderful NUT!) See ya' - gotta runnnnnnn .....!

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    1. Kai- this is my life. My poor, sweet husband. 18 years of these shenanigans...

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  8. That is awesome. Funniest post I have read in a long time.

    Paula
    @inkscrblr

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    1. I'm a giver, Paula. Clearly, my calling is to make an a** of myself and share it with others!
      Thank you for popping by!

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  9. We've all been there...well, maybe not, but it did make for a great post! Hilarious!

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  10. As if I didn't already, I NOW TOTALLY FRICKIN' LOVE YOU!!! Omg, what is up with those naked jumping jackers? Oh Lord. This is WHY I don't belong to a gym. Thank you for this!

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    1. Oh, Iris. How do I ever recover from this? I'm going to be grouped with the "Nekked Ladies"! There is no non-creepy way to mend this. "So, remember that time I was naked in the hot tub? That was funny, right? Not weird at all."

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  11. Brilliant. You have a new fan. Thanks Iris :)

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    1. Hi, Kate! Thank you so much for popping by!

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  12. So funny. I could see the whole scene unfolding. I used to belong to a very naked women's gym. Those chicks would stand around the locker room having conversations naked. The steam room was full of naked. The hot tub full of naked. One time I decided to brave it and go into the steam room naked. I sat there trying to act like I didn't feel naked while the naked strangers around me tried to include me in their friendly naked conversation. I stayed for as long as I felt I needed to to prove that I wasn't leaving because of all the nakedness. WTF is up with all those naked people acting like it's totally normal to be naked??

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    1. Your comment gave me the silent giggles while I was supposed to be paying attention in a meeting!
      What is with all the NEKKID, NEKKID, NEKKID!??

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  13. YOU. ARE. OFFICIALLY AND FOREVER. MY. NAKED. HERO. And I simply adore you!! Holy. FREAKIN. 💩!! This is classic! As in going down in the record book to tell and re-tell and re-tell some more!

    Kerry, I bid you farewell with a standing ovation!! BRAVO, my friend!!
    BRA. VO!!!

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    1. I am a giver, Kristy. I give and I give.

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  14. Replies
    1. I love you! I could do this little routine at your wedding reception?

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  15. You are braver than I! I would've never even gotten in nekkid! Very funny story ;)

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    1. You sound like my mama- "Honey, let me get this right. You were nekkid in public...on purpose? Oh, Laaawd."

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  16. OMG,...that is seriously hilarious. I can't believe you did that. And yes, your darling husband - priceless.

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  17. Oh, PLEASE come to the gym with me. I promise (not) to hide your clothes. maybe.

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    1. You lie! You are just trying to see me nudie patooty!

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    2. Pretty much, yup. Plus force you to do some planks and push-ups to go with the jacks.

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  18. If any one sees me naked they'd fall over d.e.a.d.♥♫

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  19. This is hilarious!!' you can't make this stuff up:()

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  20. Dying. Love it! I would NEVER have the guts to do what you pulled off. Kudos!

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  21. Oh my stars! What a fantastic story! I'll be honest, I would never have tried it, but it makes such a great story.:)

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  22. OMG...hilarious! Reminds me of a saying.

    Nude = without clothing doing something artistic
    Naked = just plain without clothing
    Nekkid = you have no clothes on are are up to no good

    Ha!

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    1. HA! "Nekkid" is by far the best kind of naked.

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  23. Absolutely hilarious! (I love the "Kids, run to the car!" part.)

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    1. My poor hubby recognized the "run now, ask questions later" face! Thanks, Miss Charming!

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  24. Oh my goodness I was literally laughing so loud my daughter from a few rooms away is yelling, "What is it??? What is it???". This has got to be the funniest thing I have read in a while. Kudos to you though for having the courage to at least give it a go! Those child-free times are so precious I can understand why you would have made that decision. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. You got it- the thought of alone time outweighed my fears of "exposure"!

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  25. All I can say is good job, and now we know why people think Americans are crazy... But I would've done it too. That's hilarious! That poor woman in a head scarf... She must be thinking it's time to go back to the homeland. And Ms.Stepford... The gossip going around with that simply MUST be fun hahaha GREAT JOB!

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    1. I'm sure if I could have seen her thought bubble it would have read "Crazy American Women"!

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  26. I am laughing as I read this...but I imagine the scenario unfolding a little differently from the Kerry I like to think I know from back in the day...in my mind this is what you did...you would have taken the time to stand up proclaim yes this is my body, we are women, we are free, lets celebrate the feminine. Lets rejoice in our strength and beauty...lets come together as one and let no fear rule the desires of a nice peaceful soak. After all, dont we deserve it? We work hard to keep the constant juggle of mom, wife, sister, friend, domestic diva...I say now...wont you join me in this secret haven where we can unite and support each other unconditionally as we are...beautiful in our own skin? I challenge you to a "do-over" where no one runs screaming! lol

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    1. Your description is exactly how I would have imagined myself reacting! I failed my imaginary self!
      Who this be, oh, Dancing Flower?

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  27. Maybe this is why moms never do nice things for themselves. It never turns out quite as we have dreamed it would!

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  28. LOL! That is so funny! I never would have had the nerve to jump in the hot tub naked! Stopping by from Serenity Now.

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    1. I think I actually shouted "SERENITY NOW!"
      Thank you for popping by!

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  29. I'm so sorry that I'm smiling so much at your expense!

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  30. Absolutely hysterical. Thanks for a good giggle...I'd love for you to share this at my party:
    http://oneartmama.blogspot.com/2012/02/shine-on-fridays-14-and-some-fabulous.html

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  31. This is THE funniest blog post I have ever read, bar none!!! :D What a brave lady you are to actually SHARE it in public like this. Wow. Thank you so much for the laugh. You are awesome to even attempt it...I would not have the guts! :D

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    1. Thanks, Jaimie! Doing my part to bring sexy to the blogosphere.

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  32. STOP. funniest story. ever.
    -brittney
    http://adayinlifetoo.blogspot.com (my random style blog...in which the naked posts are few and far between, but one just might surface one day...come on by if you'd like!)

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  33. Oh this is so wonderfully fabulous! Kids - run to the car! I'm going to be laughing about that one all week.

    Thanks for linking up to finding the funny! :)

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  34. Me again - you were one of the top 5 most clicked posts!!! :) Featuring you tomorrow!
    Anna

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  35. Very funny story! We loved having you at our "Strut Your Stuff Saturday." Come back next Saturday! -The Sisters

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  36. Oh my goodness, thanks for making me LOL! I love your story telling with phrases that would totally explain my feelings too {like "casually naked"}. You're so awesome! Thanks so much for linking up on Fabulous Friday. It's my pleasure to feature you in my Fab Friday Favorites post tonight.

    Warmly, Michelle

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  37. Hey, there, virgin! Thanks for linking up for the first time at yeah write. So weird I was browsing your blog at the same time you were linking your submission.

    So...had you ever seen anyone actually naked in the hot tub before? Locker room yeah, hot tub maybe not? Who knows. I never leave the house so I have no concept of Y etiquette.

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    1. Too weird! After I linked, I panicked that I had crashed an "invite only" par-taay of way smarter folks. I envisioned black turtlenecks and berets and laughing and pointing and a "uhh...you forgot to _____ or _______!"
      I just spent 10 minutes perusing your FAQ's! And, here you are!
      Thank you so much- I owe you a big ole drinky!

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  38. HA! Love this so much!! I applaud your bravery! You are awesome.

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    1. I don't know about "bravery"- more like "stupidity!"
      Thanks, Jennifer!

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  39. I have to tell you that the first time I read this I thought mister was "minister!" I was like, oh, she's married to a minister. And then, she's a skinny dippin' minister's wife! :)

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    1. As my granny would say "Oh, my Lawdy Mercy!" That is hilarious- and it would have been even funnier!
      Thanks for popping by!

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  40. Bahhhh haaa! So funny - I know not at the time but a great laugh when read :) We also go to the YMCA....I will look for you in the locker room doing your naked jumping jacks.

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    1. Prepare to scratch out your freaking cornea's!
      Thanks, Meg!

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  41. Out.Of.Control - LOL! I cannot stop laughing! I would have never even had the guts to go in naked at all so kudos to you for that! Your husband sounds like the best ever, he knew exactly what to say at the end. Awesome post :)

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    1. Yep, my hubs has learned to just shake his head and run!
      Thanks, Anna!

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  42. This is awesome! I actually laughed out loud.
    Growing up in Germany, it was the most normal thing to go into the hot tub naked, even if it was men and women mixed. After I moved to the States years ago I went to a spa in a hotel in Vegas, which was women only. I assumed that people walked around naked there, but I was the only one.... I was a very short visit to the spa...

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    1. Oh, Kerstin! I feel your pain!
      Thanks for popping by!

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  43. oh my goodness...I was laughing so hard tears ran down my face! I think my favorite part is the "kids, run for the van!"

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    1. It was a shining moment!
      Thanks for visiting!

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  44. Oh yeah I needed a good laugh today! Fabulous post.

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  45. Bwaahaahaa!! Oh my goodness...that is just too funny! Thanks for the laughs :)

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  46. Thank you for making me snort and dribble into my cereal this morning :) (and OMG!)

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    1. I snort and dribble into my cereal all the time.
      Thanks, Alison!

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  47. How embarrassing! AAAAHHHH! I'm sorry. And I think your responses were clever, even if they were in your head.

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  48. Very funny! Your husband is a total keeper, but this story made me realize what a catch you are to him too!! You recognized, acknowledged, and celebrated the everyday extraordinary acts of kindness that make up a marriage. Just beautiful, AND FREAKING FUNNY TOO!! Erin

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    1. That sums up our marriage! I am off the charts and he just shakes his head and smiles!
      Thanks, Erin!

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  49. Man I wish I had encountered you. I would have just said, "Right on sister" and taken it all off, swinging it in the air to see how far it would fly. Then I would invite you over to my house after for wine and cupcakes with my family and then we would be BFF.

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    1. I so wish you had been there. "Right on sister" was not the vibe at all!
      Thank you, Kim!

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  50. Omg. I'm laughing so hard!!
    That is hilarious!
    Oh my God! I'm never going to be able to keep a straight face at the Y again.

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  51. Bahahaha! That is so freaking funny! I love your hubs reaction to it all.

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  52. I'm with Sarcasm Goddess and the bahahahas!
    Boy do you have hutzpah!
    Loved what your husband said. PS: Congrats on your win! (-:

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    1. "Sarcasm Goddess"???? That is the best title ev.er!
      Thank you so much!

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  53. Kerry, You are the funniest person ever! I LOVE your Stories/Shenanigans! And your husband, perfect sidekick for your hilarity. Thank you so much for sharing and brightening our days.

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  54. This is seriously one of the funniest posts I've ever read. I was squirming with the awkwardness of it all the whole time, but also cracking up. Very well-deserved Yeah Write win!

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    1. Thank you so much, Kristin! I have squirming and awkwardness down to an art!
      Thanks for popping by!

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  55. Perfect. Truly. Thanks for this story. I feel so much better. now.

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    1. I am here for you. You need to laugh at someone? I have an endless supply of material.

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  56. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  57. He's a keeper. Any man who knows when it's best to act first and ask second is a gem. And by the way........ TOO FREAKING FUNNY!

    ~Bliss~

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    1. Yes, he is a keeper. He has had 18 years of my shenanigans! Poor man deserves a medal!
      Thank you for popping by!

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  58. An excellent post that I somehow missed. I wonder, are the woman I ran into the other day my lockeroom? The one who thought people actually use the sauna at my gym? The one who was totally naked and BENT OVER with her butt against the GLASS DOOR for all to see? Was that you?????

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  59. Your writing is fantastically funny! And what an intuitive Mister you have. Next time, I just say own it. Own all the nakedness... Found you on Blog Hop at YKIHIYHT. Look forward to reading more!

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    1. Ownin' my nakedness. Dern tootin'! Thanks, funny one!

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