House TalkN is a fun lookiloo at houses, houses, houses. It will answer pressing questions like, "When folks build a McMansion on a small lot, what are they compensating for?" or "Was the real estate agent drunk when they staged this house?" or "Why don't the Smiths' ever leave their drapes open when I am on a harmless walk-by?"

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Top 10 Conference No-No's!

I am writing this post one week before I attend my first bloggy conference, Haven 2012.
Since the mantra "DO NOT EMBARRASS SELF...DO NOT EMBARRASS SELF..." keeps running through my head, I thought it might help to make a NO-NO list. (Remember my Embarrassing Moments list?) 
Lists can be very helpful in times of stress. They can keep us focused and act as reminders of our goals. 

1. Do not run and jump into the arms of bloggers that I admire. I am 6 ft tall and might injure the less agile of the group.
2. Do not lick, sniff or feel up said bloggers. I am a tactile person, ok?
3. Do not use profanity. This is tempting because I spend a lot of time with children- years of f-bombs have built up, just waiting to spill out.
4. Do not talk too loudly. Not only am I deaf in one ear, which makes me unaware of my volume, but I also grew up in a large, rowdy family where if you wanted to be heard, you had to shout. Not appropriate for conference schmoozing, I'm guessing.
5. Do not tell dirty jokes. I love dirty jokes but I can tell by the heavy sighing and eye-rolling that some folks do not appreciate vagina jokes.
6. Do not badmouth chevron, spray paint or thrift stores. Bloggers love that shit stuff and would run me right out of the conference.
7. Do not sing. I am the worst singer on the planet and 9-1-1 would be called.
8. Do not dirty dance. No one needs to see a 40 year old blogger humping a horrified Centsational Girl.
9. Do not ramble. I'm a nervous talker and when I don't know what else to do, I ramble. Before I know it, I hear myself saying "And, then came the 80's...I like big hair and blue eyeshadow...don't you wish they would come back in style? What say we go back to my room and give each other makeovers?"
10. No hillbilly speak. I have an alter ego, Loretta MayJoe. When I am either nervous and/or vlogging, she takes over. Please, Lawd, save me from Loretta MayJoe. 

If you are also attending Haven and you happen to witness any rule breaking, feel free to slap me hard across the face and shout "GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!" 

In the meantime, I will be hiding in my powder room practicing my appropriate greetings, comments and body language.
I will watch and re-watch "How To Be A Better Blogger!"

Good blogger body language:


Bad blogger body language:

Link Par-taay at:
http://www.uncommondesignsonline.com/
http://savvysouthernstyle.blogspot.com/
http://howtonestforless.com/
http://www.notjustahousewife.net/
http://myuncommonsliceofsuburbia.com/
http://www.homestoriesatoz.com/
http://youaretalkingtoomuch.blogspot.com/
http://www.iheartnaptime.net/
http://www.bedifferentactnormal.com/
http://www.the-mommyhood-chronicles.com/
http://too-much-time.com/
http://www.sixsistersstuff.com/
http://whipperberry.com/
http://tatertotsandjello.com/
http://www.serenitynowblog.com/
http://chiconashoestringdecorating.blogspot.com/
http://www.504main.com/
http://www.atthepicketfence.com/ read to be read at yeahwrite.me

121 comments:

  1. Look me up sister. We'll exchange dirty va-jay-jay jokes. I need some new ones. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I can't wait, Barb!

      Delete
  2. You are making me want to attend the conference - but only if I could meet Loretta MayJoe. Please take lots of photos and sing and dance for me!!

    xomichele

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MICHELE!!!! I was just thinking about you today! Where have you been?
      So good to see your smiling face again!
      I wish you were going to Haven!

      Delete
  3. Hee hee hee. What fun, enjoy yourself, you or Loretta - love em both AS IS - and don't forget your regular readers will expect nothing less than your ole precious real self, loud and all. Don't change fer anyone!

    ReplyDelete
  4. LOL - I so wish I was going so I could run and jump into your arms (note - I did a typo and actually wrote hump which would have been a whole other comment really). Have a fabulous time, whoever you go as.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You could jump into my arms to recreate the Dirty Dancing moves!

      Delete
  5. Oh girl...you make me belly laugh!! PLEASE jump in my arms if you happen to recognize me...just don't jump into Trish's arms....she is only 5 ft tall...you may, in fact, squish her! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will give Trish a ride on my knee...after I jump into your arms.

      Delete
  6. PLEASE COME TO BLOGHER. PLEASE COME TO BLOGHER. PLEASE COME TO BLOGHER. I'm not shouting. I'm just talking into your deaf ear. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I NEED A SPONSORSUGARDADDYLOTTERYTICKET!

      Delete
  7. Oh I so wish I was going .. I would jump into your arms me being 4' 11" we would be a pair ... and um you better do at least 5 of these things listed above heck do them all mostly talk about Vagina's ... Also Please Lord make a dance video for us all from you dancing behind bloggers!

    I heart you ...

    Brooke

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, my goodness. We would be a great pair! I could carry you around on my hip!

      Delete
  8. Oh Kerry I'm dying here! lol. You can sit next to me and tell all the dirty jokes you want! ;) I finally feel ready for Haven! Even got me a new pair of Spanx! lol can't wait to hug your neck!
    Heather

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good Lawd, my gal pal just asked if I was taking "Spanx"...I had no idea that this kind of torture existed! I will be wiggling and jiggling all over that conference!

      Delete
  9. Kerry, you are still cracking me up. I really look forward to meeting you! You can totally do all those no-no's on me though. I don't judge. I have foot-in-mouth syndrome, so I'll probably do worse to you when I meet you! I tend to say really inappropriate stuff which is always a great first impression. Sometimes it takes years for me to redeem myself.

    One time I met a mother of triplets who were 2. When she told me she had triplets I made a funny joke about how I would have chosen "selective reduction" if I were pregnant with that many.

    Um. Ya. I did. And I would NEVER do "selective reduction". I was trying to be witty and funny and OMG, let me just say that comment did not go over well and that poor mom was not laughing. At all.

    Usually after I meet someone I replay the conversation in my mind over and over with lots of added commentary from myself which usually sounds like, "OH. My. Gawd. Allison. Srsly? Why the hell would you say that? I'm so embarrassed. Where's the closest hole so I can go crawl in it."

    So anyway, long story short, please do all your conference no-no's when you meet me because a) I will feel totally flattered that you even like me that much and b) I will surely embarrass myself as well, so then we can at least both be embarrassed about our exchange later. And then it will give us both a great excuse to go get plastered together. ;)

    xoxo

    Allison @ House of Hepworths

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH.MY.HILARIOUS. I think I just snorted coffee. This takes the cake!
      I know I am going too far when I see my mister's eyes glaze over and he shakes his head oh, so slightly. It's the "STOP.TALKING.NOW.NOW.NOW." look.
      YAY- See you soon!

      Delete
    2. I can so very much relate to all of this. Just yesterday I told my new neighbor not to swat her dog or I would take it. I was kidding, but from the way she, her husband, and their friends looked at me from across the yard I'm not so sure they knew it.

      My foot comes out of my mouth so rarely I should be super skinny.

      Delete
  10. If I was going. We could be roomies ;)
    That's all I'm saying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SHANNON! I wish you were coming! Party time!

      Delete
  11. Hmmm...I guess I should review your rules before I go to a conference...especially 3,4 and 6! Have fun!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a giver, Holly. Review and re-review at your own pace.

      Delete
  12. I will be there. I am afraid that, not realizing there are rules, I have already packed my profanity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All rules are off for you...prepare to catch me!

      Delete
  13. I want to go to a blog conference with you... I promise to that dirty dancing is not on my No list.


    (have a great time)

    ReplyDelete
  14. If I ran and jumped at you would you hoise me over your head like Patrick Swayze? If yes, I am so craching that shindigeroonie! Have a great time. Be yourself. That's why we luvs ya....ahhhh f' it, take Loretta whats her name too, something tells me she'd be perfect company if the "serious, pretty bloggers" start taking themselves too seriously ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have been trying in vain to get one of my gal pals to recreate the Dirty Dancing scenes for #Bloggersdance...why won't they take my calls anymore?!?

      Delete
  15. Replies
    1. Oh, Jessica! We would have so much fun! AND, you could give me your kitchen as a party favor!

      Delete
  16. BE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS and EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!! BREAK all those silly rules. I need some good va jay jay jokes. Take pictures, Do a video. XOXO, Pinky

    ReplyDelete
  17. I laughed so hard imagining the horrified look on Centsational Girl. God - you are so hilarious!! LOVE your blog! I wish I was going - my damn kids are holding me back ... again! I will be there next year so please save up your best vagina jokes and I will save my b**w j*b jokes for you. Hope you can handle me! Missi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those darn kids! Mine are distracting me from fully obsessing over Haven!
      I'll keep you posted- wish you were coming!

      Delete
  18. This will be my first ever blog conference & if I happen to run into you...I think it will be a very entertaining conference! On my "No-No" list is - "Do not sit in the corner & rock back & forth because you're so nervous around all the incredibly talented bloggers!" ;p Hope you have an awesome time! Thanks for adding some humor to the event I'm really nervous about! :p <3 Heidi Rew from Parties for Pennies

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Obsessing over this conference could put me in the corner, rocking and sucking my thumb!
      See you there, Heidi!

      Delete
  19. Hey, I'm going to Haven too and when I saw your blog post thumbnail I knew that I HAD to come read it to find out the "no-no's" of a blogger conference...thanks for all that advice...some of it I might follow. So I will be looking for you, girl! Did you recently re-do your blog header? It is so darn cute. I saw your post over at "Weekend Bloggy Reading".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MISS KITTY! I always notice you because I have a daughter, Kitty (Katherine) that I call Miss Kitty!
      Can't wait to meet you at Haven!

      Delete
    2. And, yep, new header. Brooke over at Get Outta My Head Please did it for me. She is fantastic if you ever need techy help!

      Delete
  20. Just found your blog via #haven2012 on twitter! I'm going to Haven too...first blog conference for me!!

    Hope to see you there!!!

    Jen
    athomeinthernothwestblog.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ACK! We can be first timers together!
      Thank you, Jen. See you SOON!

      Delete
  21. I think I would like Loretta MayJoe! 5 More days!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YAY! I am ping ponging between excitement and OHMYLAWDIMIGHTTHROWUP!
      See you SOON!

      Delete
  22. LOL! I might be 6 feet tall in the platform wedges I plan on packing, so you can jump on me if you feel the need to jump on someone. I second Heidi Rew's comment...I get nervous in big crowds like that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are going to live to regret that statement! I am going to hug your neck and gush all over you!

      Delete
  23. REALLY wish I could be there! SNAP was so much fun & I know Haven will be too. Have a wonderful time. I was SO BAD at gushing over blog celebs. Remember, if you see Char from "Crap I've Made", DO NOT . . . I repeat DO NOT try to hug her!

    Warmly, Michelle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I LOVED YOUR SNAP POST! You made it seem so fun and casual! So, Char is not a hugger? This might cause me to hug her and kiss her face off.

      Delete
  24. Love this list; totally has me cracking up lol
    Stopping by from the Strut Your Stuff party :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a great profile picture!
      Thanks for popping by!

      Delete
  25. Okay, I'm like totally in love with you right now. consider this me running into your arms at a conference. I'm 5' 8", you're safe. ;) This is seriously fantastic. You can tell me dirty jokes all day. Haha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll catch you like Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing!

      Delete
  26. I love your list. I am attending Blogher in August and I will remember all your tips-lol!! I will try my hardest not to sniff the other bloggers! No dirty dancing at the parties- Bummer!!! Hysterical post!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so jealous! I am a Blogher lurker! No sniffing is important...

      Delete
  27. Found you via The Mommyhood Chronicles...am dying to hear how it went! And I would so, so struggle with #1 too. I appreciate the body language break-down. Visuals are always good :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Meredith! Thank you for popping by for my body language break down. If I have time, I will vlog appropriate vs inappropriate dance moves for a conference...

      Delete
  28. Girl... you are a hoot! Oh how I wish I was going to Haven to meet you :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I WISH YOU WERE COMING!
      Thank you, Kelly!

      Delete
  29. Oh my gosh.....I think I actually peed my pants while reading this post, Kerry! lolol! You are a total hoot and I think they should seriously consider hiring you as Haven entertainment! You're good enough to have a one-woman show! Well...two-woman if you brought Hickerbilly What's Her Face.

    LOVE your blog, girl!!! Have fun at Haven - and break all the rules! lol!

    xoxo laurie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They don't have to hire me - I act like a fool for free!
      Thanks, Laurie!

      Delete
  30. Wait, your vlogs are really Loretta MayJoe? That's not really how you talk? This shatters my whole image of you....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True. I have a slight accent but the vlog ramps it up!

      Delete
  31. Hahahaha! Love this. I too have the embarrassing tendency to ramble (and ramble and ramble) when I am nervous or uncomfortable. The result is I end up feeling even MORE nervous and uncomfortable because I KNOW I sound like an idiot, and the person I'm talking to ends up wondering how they got stuck talking to such a blathering idiot. Uuuugh. Great post. Great list. Stopping by from the blog hop. Have fun at your conference!
    -Laura
    www.strollerparkingonly.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am a long time rambler! You and I could have a talk off!
      Thank you, Laura!

      Delete
  32. Oh my! I feel like you're my long lost twin...taller, blonder and wittier, but twins in the foul-mouthed, nervous rambling, gushing way :)

    Visiting from Meet Me Monday, and am so glad I stopped by!

    ReplyDelete
  33. #8. I snorted. You've just moved to the top of my "must-meet" list! See you there, sister!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bought some snappy and very uncomfortable shoes today in hopes that my discomfort will keep me in line!
      Thanks, Beth! See you SOOOOOON!

      Delete
  34. Oh man do I wish I was going! Look no further for a partner in crime next year :)

    Tanya

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a date! Thank you for popping by, Tanya!

      Delete
  35. Kerry,

    Hahahahahaha :) No spray paint jokes? Seriously. What am I going to talk about?

    Are the coffee filter wreaths off limits :)

    See you there my funny friend!
    karianne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Spray paint is actually my bff...and chevron...and burlap...and NOT coffee filter projects.
      Could you bring me your pantry to borrow?

      Delete
  36. Oh my gosh, that is hilarious! If you slip I hope I'm around to see the "real" you. :)

    Anna

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have been packed and standing by the door for 6 months!
      Thank you for popping by, Anna!

      Delete
  37. Send Loretta MayJoe over for a drink, a moon pie, and some nabs. We'll talk about vajayjays and tell dirty jokes!!!

    ReplyDelete
  38. I hope you have a fantastic time! I'm too a-skeered to even think of attending a blog conference... Makes me kinda glad no one knows who I am...

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hope you have the best time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I'll post updates of the Haven antics on Twitter!

      Delete
  40. Isn't the point of going to these conferences so you can see your favorite bloggers make fools of themselves? Or am I missing something?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am counting on it! This is my first bloggy conference...we shall see!

      Delete
  41. I will be one of the wacky ones, I might not be jumping up on someone, but I sure will be jumping up an down. Since I grew up with 9 siblings, I'm sure I'll be talking to loud, and maybe snorting every now and then cause that's what I do when I'm having fun! Hope to meet you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Cathy! I am also a snorter! I'll see you there- we'll have a snort off!

      Delete
  42. Oh my lord I'm laughing so hard I'm almost crying! Had to read parts of this aloud to hubby. YOU are hilarious! I'm hooked and following!
    <3 Christina at I Gotta Create!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Christina! Well...did your husband laugh? Mine just shakes his head and walks away in defeat.

      Delete
  43. Oh wow would I love to go to a blog conference with you! Dammit. We need a meetup soon woman!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We would be a force of nature! I was just laughing today, retelling about you and Abby running for my moving mini-van with camera equipment and Janis Joplin blaring!

      Delete
  44. That was hilarious. Love the f-bomb comment. Is that because the kids use the f-bomb or being around kids makes you want to use it?
    I spent the whole day spray painting stuff I found at the thrift store. Cracking up right now.
    Have a great time at the conference.
    Katie
    Visiting from My Uncommon Slice of Suburbia.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! That's funny! I constantly have little ears monitoring! Kids are like parole officers!

      Delete
  45. You are just hysterical! I love stopping by to visit.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Oh how I wish I was going to Haven! I would let you body slam me ... and feel me up ... and scream in my ear telling dirty jokes using dirty words with your hillbilly voice ...

    :)

    Linda

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LINDA! I wish you were coming! TROUBLE!

      Delete
  47. I'm a nervous rambler, too. And then I usually follow up my nervous rambling by laughing. At myself. As if I think I'm actually being funny.

    This is why I don't leave the house much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My son just explained that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes! Someone has to!

      Delete
  48. Oh my gosh, Kerry...this is awesome!!! Hope you have a fantastic time at Haven!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Maggie! I have a daughter - Meg, Margaret, Mags! When I see your cute little profile picture, I want to call you "Mags"!

      Delete
  49. Where have you been all my blogging life?

    A snarky woman like me, but the only difference, I'm a foot shorter.

    Perhaps a Halloween costume would work for less awkward intros?

    N

    ReplyDelete
  50. Well, if you go to Haven next year, we will be buddies, then. I'm so nervous about going to those things for fear that everyone will be armed with hot glue guns and will want to solely go over the joys of parenthood. Sigh. Neither of these things interest me and I think I will need a reprieve with someone like you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should so come next year! I was so blown away by the savvy business sense these women rocked!
      You and I can yuck it up! DO IT!

      Delete
  51. Can't wait to hear your wrap-up from Haven.

    I'm featuring your no-no's next week. You are a freakin' riot.

    xoxo
    n

    ReplyDelete
  52. As a fellow tall gal I would LOVE to come to Haven just to meet you... but only if I can meet Loretta May. I have a Southern alter ego myself... her name is Tequila Rose. I think she was a stripper at one point. You and I in all of our height and southern glory may overwhelm and definitely offend some people I think. But I can tell it would be fuuuunnn...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You MUST come next year! Not only was it a blast, but head is reeling from all that I learned!

      Delete
  53. You make me want to go to a conference so bad! Sounds like good times to me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DO IT! Come next year and we'll go wild!

      Delete
  54. this is too funny, i've never been to a conference but if i did i would totally bring your list with me lol!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Come with me, Michelle! We can yuck it up together!

      Delete
  55. Just like failing to chat it up with Angie, I apparently missed out on chatting it up with you too. Hilarious. But there's always next year, and in between I can be a twittering fool.

    That sounded better in my head.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We will chat until our little hearts are content at Haven 2013!
      Thank you for popping by, Sarah!

      Delete
  56. I LOVE SPEAKING HILLBILLY!!! If we ever meet, please, please bust out Loretta MayJoe and I'll bust out Uldine Jean.

    (Thanks for linking this up with us over at #findingthefunny a couple of weeks ago! Sorry I am such a loser and just now stopping by to read it!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Kelley! We would be trouble together. HILLBILLIES WALKIN'!

      Delete
  57. Good god woman! I started reading today's post, since then I have read this, about breastfeeding, and the Y...still gotta get back to today's post!!!! Oh Kerry, I just keep thinking that we would be the best of friends, or at least you are someone to adore(and breastfeed maybe??;))anyhoo, just wanted to say thanks for being so awesomely you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YAY! There is a house for sale on my street. Start packing and I'll get our happy hour drinks ready! Breastfeeding optional.
      Thank you, Erin!

      Delete

I live for comments, so please pop in and say "hello!"
You can also follow HouseTalkN on Twitter, Pinterest and/or Facebook!