I gained almost 80 pounds with my fourth bundle of joy. I had gained between 70 and 75 pounds with each of the first three. I became the human rubber band.
With the finale baby, however, I got more than a bundle of joy at the end. I had a pregnancy souvenir known as varicose veins.
I remembered that my own mother had always worn slacks or long skirts, never shorts. I apparently come from a long line of vein exploders.
I followed suit and stocked my closet with slacks and long skirts. Fearing that a full body wetsuit at the pool would bring great shame to my children, I opted for the oh, so fashionable sarong.
If someone was
cursed lucky enough to catch a glimpse of my leg, they would say, "OH, NO! What happened to your leg?" or the under 5 crowd would exclaim, "Is there a snake in your leg?"
When my moffice-mate, Jill, heard about my snake leg, she interrogated me about why, for the love of chocolate, had I not had them removed?
I gave her my best arguments. I am a big ole scaredy cat of going to the doctor. (Remember the mammogram mafia?) It would cost me an arm and a leg (get it? a leg?). She played her trump card. Her husband happens to be a doctor and happens to do this exact procedure. She plotted an ambush and her husband
shot down answered all of my questions.
Dr. Youse had me on the schedule before I could say "I am just too busy ironing my slacks."
Here is the process as it played out on my iphone. To distract myself, I took pictures and texted my pals updates.
Text #1: Would it be wrong if I trim my toenails while I wait?
Text #2: Look! An IV of vodka!
Text #3: They gave me an Ativan. I don't think it's working.
Text #4: Get a good look at that beast because it is on it's way out!
Text #5: Jeremy (I mean "Dr. Youse") is using a sharpie on my leg. I'm getting the giggles and battling the urge to shout "Dr. Youse is in the house!"
Text #6: I think the Ativan is working.
Text #8: They are so nice! I even got a hawt new pair of tights!
Text #9: This is going to build up my street cred, huh?
JUST LOOK AT ME NOW!
TEXT #10: I'm showing my legs for the first time since "Friends" was a hit show.
Do not let the name of this procedure - Microstab Phlebectomy- scare you. The only regret that I have is that I did not do it sooner. For Christmas, I have asked for shorts.
To learn more about Dr. Youse, click here.
To learn more about Christie Clinic, click here.
To learn more about Dr. Youse and his lovely and persuasive wife, click here.
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