Years ago, I went to hear David Sedaris perform a reading. I was overjoyed that he was also meeting and greeting his fans.
As I waited in line with my gal pal, I was repeating in my head, "Be witty, be engaging, do.not.act.like.idiot."
When it was finally my turn to wow him with my wit, you won't be shocked to hear that I acted like an idiot.
DS: Where are you from?
Idiot: Uh...Illinois. (Pointing to my gal pal) My girlfriend and I live in Illinois.
When I saw her look of confusion, I tried to clarify.
Idiot: Oh, wait! She's not my "girlfriend," she's my girl friend. NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!
DS: Who should I sign the book to?
Idiot: Let me just go back to the girlfriend thing. I would totally be her girlfriend if we were lesbians. Although, I don't think she is my type. Wait...what?
DS: Thank you for coming. (Code for "move your crazy a** along!")
I couldn't even enjoy the reading because I was too busy rehashing my DS fail to everyone around me. They kept shushing me and rolling their eyes. Whatevs.
I was particularly upset because my gal pal/girlfriend/girl friend said, "You are obviously not a lesbian."
Wait, what? I could totally be a lesbian!
I am In The Powder Room today asking the tough lesbian questions. Meet me there and for the love of chocolate, answer my lesbian questions.