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Monday, August 5, 2013

Top Comebacks When Jerks Criticize Public Breastfeeding


*I originally posted this on Scary Mommy. It has been modified (to PG13) for HouseTalkN!

I was in a lactating coma for 6 years. No, I did not nurse a child into elementary school. I popped out four babies in 5 years. 
I was on such a hormonal roller coaster that I could never come up with witty comebacks to jerks who made comments about public breastfeeding. When a passerby offered “Why don’t you try that at home?” I could only muster, “Why don’t you go $%^# yourself?” The emotional pendulum swung and I started sobbing to complete strangers, “I just said the F word in front of my baby!”
Now that I am out of the estrogen fog, I’d like to offer these comebacks to breastfeeding moms.
Top Comebacks When Jerks Criticize Public Breastfeeding
1. If you can use boobs to sell beer and cars, I can use mine as a buffet.
2. Do you eat your meal while sitting on the john?
3. That’s a great idea. You can borrow my blanket to put over your head.
4. Sorry to burst your bubble. Boobs are more than recreational fun.
4. Thank goodness you have a neck. Look away! LOOK AWAY!
5. Nursing is easier for me. I can’t hold a bottle and my wine glass at the same time!
6. It was an accident. I was just holding my baby when my 36Longs fell into his mouth! My bad!
7. If you are fishing for a snack, just wait your turn.
8. If you think this is gross, you should have seen the placenta. Oh, wait. I have pictures.
9. Trust me. No one is more horrified by my giant areola than me. 

If you are currently in a lactating coma, breathe in and out. Then, practice these comeback lines. Memorize them. Being a good mother means being prepared for anything…especially, when jerks attack.


34 comments:

  1. Love number 8! Ha ha ha! Will have to try and remember that one!

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    1. I wish I could go back and handle it differently! Thank you for popping by!

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  2. SUPER COMMENTS!! bravo witty Kerry

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    1. I wish I had thought of these when I actually needed them! Thanks, Celine!

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  3. GIANT AREOLAS. I think they're about to give the full moon a run for its money!

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    1. Oh, yes. They were the size of a full moon! Thanks, Estrogen One!

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  4. I STILL love this post so much, I want to breastfeed it.

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    1. I think I just experienced "let down." Love you hard.

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  5. OH MY EFFING GAWD. This is comic gold. :-) And so true. I am a walking snack bar these days.

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    1. I bark laughed when I read yours! Thanks, Ashley!

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  6. YES! Fist bump! Chest bump! Double chest bump!

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    1. CHEST BUMP! Let's home we don't squirt anyone!

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  7. Amazing, as always. #8 is my favorite!

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    1. Nothing like sharing placenta stories, huh? Thanks, Stephanie!

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  8. hilarious...too bad I'm a granny and out of range on this exercise - hah! gonna pass on to the daughter-in-law who plans on at least one more kid. thanks for making my day!

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  9. Hysterical. Absolute genius. Giant areola! Bahahahahahahaha! :)

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  10. I've read this three times in 10 minutes.

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    1. I love that! I've had three Reece Cups in the last 10 minutes.

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  11. I used the line from Taxi Driver - You lookin' at me? You lookin' at me? Or I'd stare at their boob area. Sigh.....

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  12. I do not have anymore babies, but this makes me wish I did. Perhaps I should buy one of those breastfeeding baby dolls just to pull out one or two of these lines :)

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    1. Buy one for me, too! That is genius! I'll pick you up in 20. First up, the mall!

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  13. Great comebacks! I bf 3 kids and never heard a rude comment but I know i was very fortunate.

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  14. Anytime you mention your 38 Longs I love you even more. Big areolas scare me too.

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    1. You love my 38 Longs? That is why I love you.

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  15. I've had that eating on the toilet one in my pocket forever just waiting to have the nerve to use it. But I think I like you're placenta line better!

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    1. Ha! I wish I had this list when I was actually nursing! Give that schmoopy Harlow a smooch for me!

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  16. "Would you like to step in? Why, be my guest. Oh...your cheesebubble boobies don't work miracles? Sucks to be you. And yes, I intended that pun." I'm definitely using #5 in the future!

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