*I originally posted this on Scary Mommy. It has been modified (to PG13) for HouseTalkN!
I was in a lactating coma for 6 years. No, I did not nurse a child into elementary school. I popped out four babies in 5 years.
I was on such a hormonal roller coaster that I could never come up with witty comebacks to jerks who made comments about public breastfeeding. When a passerby offered “Why don’t you try that at home?” I could only muster, “Why don’t you go $%^# yourself?” The emotional pendulum swung and I started sobbing to complete strangers, “I just said the F word in front of my baby!”
Now that I am out of the estrogen fog, I’d like to offer these comebacks to breastfeeding moms.
Top Comebacks When Jerks Criticize Public Breastfeeding
1. If you can use boobs to sell beer and cars, I can use mine as a buffet.
2. Do you eat your meal while sitting on the john?
3. That’s a great idea. You can borrow my blanket to put over your head.
4. Sorry to burst your bubble. Boobs are more than recreational fun.
4. Thank goodness you have a neck. Look away! LOOK AWAY!
5. Nursing is easier for me. I can’t hold a bottle and my wine glass at the same time!
6. It was an accident. I was just holding my baby when my 36Longs fell into his mouth! My bad!
7. If you are fishing for a snack, just wait your turn.
8. If you think this is gross, you should have seen the placenta. Oh, wait. I have pictures.
9. Trust me. No one is more horrified by my giant areola than me.
If you are currently in a lactating coma, breathe in and out. Then, practice these comeback lines. Memorize them. Being a good mother means being prepared for anything…especially, when jerks attack.