House TalkN is a fun lookiloo at houses, houses, houses. It will answer pressing questions like, "When folks build a McMansion on a small lot, what are they compensating for?" or "Was the real estate agent drunk when they staged this house?" or "Why don't the Smiths' ever leave their drapes open when I am on a harmless walk-by?"

Monday, April 29, 2013

I Could Be Gwyneth Paltrow!

When Gwyneth Paltrow landed on People's "Most Beautiful Woman" cover, I cheered! Gwyneth and I have always had a lot in common. 
As I have stalked watched her success, I've often thought, "I could be Gwyneth Paltrow!" Totally.
There are a few differences like weight, careers, Brad Pitt, status, and finances but other than that, we are practically twins!
-I love magazines and Gwyneth is in magazines!
 -I have always wanted a home in the Hamptons and Gwyneth has one!
-Ellen is my imaginary bff and Gwyneth is her IRL pal!
-I have a mother and so does Gwyneth!
 -I love to lounge around in my granny panties jammies and so does Gwyneth!
-Gwyneth and I both love to talk about food!
The next time you see Gwyneth on the red carpet, think of me! (Duh, how could you not?)

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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I Need New Friends

I need new friends. Any takers? I am looking for calm, boring, low energy women that will never lead me astray. 
Women that will not blackmail me or take pictures while I streak
Women that will not tell me a maxi pad as a biore strip is a great idea. 

Women that will not make me perform raps about butts.

Women that do not watch TV. Women that will not get me hooked on a show like Mad Men and then make fun of me when I am strung out from staying up all night watching 12 episodes in a row.
I am In The Powder Room today, sharing 5 Reasons "Mad Men" is Bad For Me.
Source: via Carlos on Pinterest
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Friday, April 19, 2013

My Bad Parenting Moment

I already confessed that I was a much better parent before I had children. 
Since having children, I have eaten record amounts of humble pie. For every time I said, "My child will never..." I have been served at least two servings of "cut that shit out pie."
I wanted to be "AWESOME MOMMY!" Today, I am sharing how I became "Good Enough Mommy!" 
Meet me In The Powder Room to hear about one of my many bad parenting moments. Trust me, you'll feel better about yourself. 
While you are there, check out our guest Bethany from Bad Parenting Moments. 
And, puh-lease leave a comment and share your own "bad parenting moment." I need to feel better about myself, too. 

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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Turning 10

My daughter turns 10 tomorrow. Double digits is apparently a big deal.
She has told me so 523 times.
While she is counting the seconds until she joins the ranks of the double digit crowd, I am finally finding Lamaze breathing to be helpful. 
Which takes me back to the day Lamaze breathing felt akin to giving a whale a tic-tac. 
"You have a daughter." 
What sweet and terrifying words. I have a daughter. I.have.a.daughter. 
Holy mother of all things sacred, I have a daughter.
Everyone tells you that it goes by so quickly. Everyone tells you to enjoy every moment of their childhood. I know this to be true but sometimes, when well meaning folks uttered those words, I wanted to gouge their eyes out.
Now, here I am, wondering where the time has gone. How can my newborn girl be leaving single digits behind?
Long days, fast years.
I watch her making her way in the world and I feel a mix of pride, adoration and fear. 
I know what is coming. 
I remember middle school.
I remember getting my first visit from Aunt Flo.
I remember getting my heart broken.
These things are coming. 
I know that she will be stronger for it. I know that these are life lessons that we all have to endure. 
But, still...I want to put her in a bubble.
We do all that we can to protect our children. Seat belts, helmets, vegetables and band-aids. These things are within our control. 
We have no control over the words that will be spoken to our children. We have no control over boys that won't return their undying love. We have no control over teenagers speeding down our street. (Although, I will shout and throw soccer balls at their cars.)
In third grade, my girl told me that she didn't want to wear bows in her hair anymore. Someone told her that she looked like a baby and that she would look much better without the stupid bows. I battled the urge to ask, "Sweetie, tell Mommy who said that. What is their address?" Instead, I repeated our mantra, "Be your own person!" and "It is one thing if you don't want to wear bows anymore, but do not change because of someone else's words."
She never wore a bow, again.
I love to watch my girl play sports. We hustle around, searching for lost socks, rush to the field and once the game starts, I sit down and watch my kiddo for an hour. Just watching, uninterrupted by laundry to fold, dishes to wash, emails to answer. I watch her yuk it up with her buddies that will hopefully be her loyal cohorts through the upcoming years. I watch her look of determination in the batter's box and pray she uses that determination to be true to herself. My heart swells when she gives me a thumbs up and I hope that she knows that I am always in her corner, watching and cheering.

Tonight, we will get out her baby album and we will laugh and coo at her pictures. She will ask to hear the same stories that I have told her over and over. She will ask about the day she was born. She will ask about her first words and her first steps. She will ask why there is a picture of her 2 year old self with maxi pads stuck to her forehead. 
Tonight, we will say "goodbye, 9." 
I will hide my fears from her and tell her how excited I am for her. Because I am excited. I am excited to watch her navigate dramas and excited to see who her first crush is on. (Cue Vodka) I am excited to cheer at her games. I am excited to watch her pave the way for her little sister. 
But, right now, while she is at school, I will look through her baby album and frighten the dog with my boo-hoo'ing.

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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

"The Brush Is In His Butt!"

I have four children. I now have a long list of bizarre phrases that been spoken in our home. 
From, "Where do girls keep their penis's?" to "How much would you pay me to stop burping words?"
Often, as words are leaving my mouth, I am shocked that I have to actually say them. Isn't it obvious to everyone that you should not shove chewing gum up your nostril? 
On Easter Sunday, as my neighbors were hiding Easter eggs in their yard or strolling by my house on their way to church, they might have heard the screaming from my house. 
Meet me In The Powder Room today to hear the butt horrors.
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Thursday, April 4, 2013

A Melanoma PSA

I am not ready for this. 
At 41, I am not ready to worry about lumps in the breast. I am not ready to worry about friends with heart problems. I am not ready to worry about my friend's moles. 
Yet, I am here. 
My generation spent time in tanning beds. We sunbathed with Baby Oil. We didn't wear sunscreen until our 30's. 
Now, we worry. 
We slather our own children in SPF 50 and make them wear hats. Rinse and repeat.
My friend recently had a mole scare. She had several removed. One suspicious mole was on her...ahem...crack. 
You might remember that we tried to cheer her up. We tried to make her chuckle. We bombarded her with texts. 
"Don't worry, we've got your crack."
"Crack is whack."
We celebrated her birthday. We prayed that we would celebrate many more of her 45, 55, 85.
When the news came that her mole was not cancer, we celebrated. 
We said "Thank you." Rinse and repeat. "Thank you."
We said prayers for the women that got the "it's cancer" phone call. 
We hit The Moffice and made a video for her. For you. I hope it makes you chuckle. 
Mostly, I hope it makes you CHECK YO'SELF!
(This screen shot is pure sexy, right?)

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Sup With That, Lesbians?

Years ago, I went to hear David Sedaris perform a reading. I was overjoyed that he was also meeting and greeting his fans. 
As I waited in line with my gal pal, I was repeating in my head, "Be witty, be engaging,"
When it was finally my turn to wow him with my wit, you won't be shocked to hear that I acted like an idiot. 

DS: Where are you from?
Idiot: Uh...Illinois. (Pointing to my gal pal) My girlfriend and I live in Illinois. 
When I saw her look of confusion, I tried to clarify.
Idiot: Oh, wait! She's not my "girlfriend," she's my girl friend. NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!
DS: Who should I sign the book to?
Idiot: Let me just go back to the girlfriend thing. I would totally be her girlfriend if we were lesbians. Although, I don't think she is my type. Wait...what?
DS: Thank you for coming. (Code for "move your crazy a** along!")
I couldn't even enjoy the reading because I was too busy rehashing my DS fail to everyone around me. They kept shushing me and rolling their eyes. Whatevs. 
I was particularly upset because my gal pal/girlfriend/girl friend said, "You are obviously not a lesbian."
Wait, what? I could totally be a lesbian! 
I am In The Powder Room today asking the tough lesbian questions. Meet me there and for the love of chocolate, answer my lesbian questions.
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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Annie Sloan Chalk Paint & Louie Chairs

Over a year ago...ahem...I scored some Louie chairs at a neighborhood garage sale. (Cue Beverly Hillbillies music!)
Remember these:
My old chairs were rickety and falling apart:
I was chomping at the bit to try out Annie Sloan Chalk Paint! The folks at Annie Sloan Unfolded were amazing and so patient helpful. I was waffling between "Paris Grey" and "French Linen" and their paint expert, Lisa helped me decide on "Paris Grey!"
Here is the best part about this paint- NO prepping, NO priming and only ONE COAT!
Even though I love linen, it was not a wise choice for my large, messy brood. I went with $10 drop cloths from Lowes! 
As most of my projects go, it takes a village to finish them! I took care of the painting and a gal pal with sewing skill whipped up the cushions and the backs of the chairs.

At the same yard sale, I scored this fabric. I am a big ole color chicken but thought I could handle this splash of color on the back of two chairs. 

Now, they are ready to hold my brood for countless family meals, holiday gatherings and homework battles! 
Taking bets- Which child will be the first to spill ketchup, wipe bbq sauce (or worse!) or write their name with sharpie on our "new" chairs?

Link Par-taay at:
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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Finding The Funny And A GIVEAWAY!

 Welcome to April's Finding the Funny! Before we start sharing our funny posts, we have a (huge) giveaway!

My Parenting Victory (and a HUGE giveaway)!

On Easter Sunday, getting my girls ready for church was turning into an all out battle of the hair brush. "Daddy says that we can wear a baseball cap instead of brushing our hair." 
I left the girls rolling around on their beds, lamenting the evils of hair brushing. As I was drying my own hair and mumbling "Daddy is stupid," the apocalypse erupted. Apparently, the dog joined in on the bed rolling and sat on the dreaded brush, tangling it into his tail hair. The girls were chasing the jirating and yelping dog, shouting, "THE BRUSH IS IN HIS BUTT! THE BRUSH IS IN HIS BUTT!" 
Wearing a bra, panty hose and fuzzy slippers, I chased, cornered, and tackled the terrified dog, removed the brush and shouted, "THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST.BRUSHED.YOUR.HAIR!"
Let's hope that this battle is won and finished. Next.
Chobani Yogurt Giveaway  Raising kids isn’t easy, but Chobani Champions is all about celebrating the little victories in parenting. Together with Chobani, we wanna make YOU a winner. Enter below to win 1 GRAND PRIZE* of a year’s supply of Chobani and Chobani Champions. Yep, a year’s supply of that delicious, nutritious, protein-packed parenting victory known as Chobani greek yogurt. Our grand prize winner will build a custom case for themselves to be delivered to their doorstep monthly, including 1 case of assorted Champions Flavors, 1 case of assorted Chobani Flavors and a bonus case of either Champions tubes, Chobani Bite or Chobani 32 oz cooking sizes. Every month for a YEAR!* 10 Runners-up will receive one case of Champions Tubes delivered to their doors! Giveaway begins April 2 and ends at midnight April 8. Chobani is gettin' social to find the good, the bad, the ugly… and a REAL taste of life with kids. Join in on the convo! Follow Chobani at: @Champions on Twitter Chobani Champion's on Facebook @ChobaniChampions on Instagram Join all of us on twitter for #spikedpunch Sunday night, April 7 from 9-10pm EST. Enjoy the party and a chance to win 1 of 2 cases of Chobani tubes! *Giveaway open to residents of the United States only. Grand prize winner will choose from products available at a Rafflecopter giveaway

It's Finding the Funny Time!

Meet the Hosts Anna @ My Life and Kids Kelley @ Kelley's Break Room Robyn @ Hollow Tree Ventures Kerry @ HouseTalkN Julie @ I Like Beer and Babies Keesha @ Mom's New Stage Meredith @ The Mom of the Year Anna @ Random Handprints Ellen and Erin @ Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms Toulouse @ Toulouse and Tonic

The Rules

Link up an old or new funny post. Link up as many times as you want (we're serious.) The party is open until Friday at midnight. The earlier you link up, the more clicks you'll get. Click around and meet the other funny bloggers that are linking up. Follow the Finding the Funny Pinterest board. We'll all be pinning our favorites throughout the month. We don't ask you to link back to us or include a button on your blog, but we do ask you to send out a tweet or post about the party on your Facebook page. Be sure to use #findingthefunny.
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